By Daniel Lyons
Welcome to the mind—to the world—of pretend Steve Jobs. pretend Steve the counterintuitive administration guru: “Obviously we can’t actually placed our staff’ lives in danger. yet we need to cause them to suppose that way.” faux Steve the fame hobnobber: “I like Bono. He’s the single individual i do know who’s extra self-absorbed than I am.”Options is the e-book that had the critics howling—with laughter:“A voice for our personal electronic age....Mac-slappingly funny.”—Newsweek.com“Hilarious.”—New York Times“There’s a laugh-out-loud second on approximately each of the book’s pages.”—Wall road Journal“Wickedly funny.”—San Francisco Chronicle
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If there’s a problem, they’re going to find it. So tell me. ” We’re in the conference room, alone, with the door shut. He’s leaning close to me. I can smell his Old Spice, which makes me queasy. “This company,” I say, “operates under the highest standards of integrity and honesty and transparency. ” “Jesus. It’s worse than I thought. ” He slugs down the end of his coffee. ” I inform Tom that earlier in the week I instructed Sonya to fire herself, so it could be that she was just following my orders.
Even that doesn’t cheer me up. And that is scary. Because if a mango smoothie can’t cheer me up, I’m definitely in bad shape. On Sunday night I once again have my most frequent recurring dream—the one in which I’m receiving the Nobel Prize. But this time the dream has a twist. After they give me the prize I find myself out in the street, wearing a loincloth, carrying a cross. People are yelling at me, spitting at me. Then I’m up on the cross, and beside me is Bill Gates, who’s also being crucified.
Sonya runs our legal department. She’s bony and beak-nosed, high-strung and always freaked out about something. She’s also well aware of our company policy regarding which people can speak to me and under what circumstances. We have ten tiers of access, arranged by rank—the highest people can speak to me by appointment, the mid-tiers can speak to me when I’ve spoken to them first, and the lowest can never speak to me, and in fact can be fired for trying to speak to me or even for speaking to other people in my presence.